As kids head to ‘school’ at desks and dining tables around the world, it is recommended that parents try not worry too much about content and time. Even here in NSW, where it looks like there might be a staggered start to face-to-face learning, the majority of term time will still be at home. In my last post, ‘When Schooling Comes Home’, I mentioned that your teen’s school-at-home day is going to be a lot shorter than the usual 6 hour school day. If you and your teen are struggling a little, educators recommend focussing on the basics – maths and literacy.
My son’s teacher recommends 20 mins of free reading time, as part of his online ‘curriculum’ each day. During this time my tween curls up on the couch with the latest of whatever book series he is reading.
I am always trying to find book recommendations for boys. So I thought I’d call on an expert on this topic. Allison Tait is an internationally published bestselling author of middle-grade adventure series books. She is also the mother of boys. Here she gives us 30 books for boys aged 13, 14 and 15.
The Most Common Question about Boys and Reading
One of the biggest challenges facing parents of tween and teen boys is how to keep them reading. How do I know this? Because they tell me.
As the co-admin (with authors Megan Daley and Allison Rushby) of the Your Kid’s Next Read Facebook group, a community with 11,000+ members – and counting – I am privy to the daily updates and queries of parents, carers, teachers, booksellers and various other participants.
And the ‘my son, aged 13, has stopped reading’ or ‘my son, aged 15, has lost all interest in books’ variety of question is among our most popular.
I also know because the number one search query that brings visitors to my own website (allisontait.com) is ‘great books for 13-year-old boys’ or its cousin ‘great books for 14-year-old boys’.
So clearly there are lots of parents out there looking for great books for their tween and teen readers.
I’m also mother to two boys – now aged 16 and 13 – so I have seen firsthand what happens when books have to compete with sport/school/screens/girls for time.
My boys are very different readers
The older one (aka Book Boy) has been a voracious reader since he could first make his way from one sentence to another. He even ran his own book review blog (bookboy.com.au) for four years. But he’s in year 11 now and the volume of schoolwork plus a budding career as a singer/songwriter has slowed him down a tad.
The younger one (Book Boy Jr) would much rather run. But he still reads. We worked hard to instigate a reading habit with him – 20 minutes in bed each night (pretty much the only time he is quiet) – and it continues to pay off.
He starts a lot of books and only finishes the ones that really grab his attention, and that’s okay. (As an author, I take particular note of those books and read them myself!)
So, I guess what I’m saying is that I feel your pain.
The Key to Breakthrough
What I’ve discovered, though, is that the key to breaking through the ‘reading ennui’ of this age is finding the right book – and that you might be very surprised by what that right book is!
Don’t Rule out Books
I nearly fell over when Book Boy Jr brought home an entire novel written in verse. I would never have considered giving him a book like that, but he saw it in the school library (kids need school libraries, just saying) during Quiet Reading Time, picked it up and liked it so much he brought it home and devoured it.
Don’t discount a book because it has a female main character, or because it’s written by a woman, or because it’s not the type of book your young reader has ever read before.
“I read books that are ‘for girls’ or aimed at girls (or books with girl protagonists) because a good book is a good book, no matter who the target audience is.”
Anyway, I’ve found that the best way to find books for boys in this age group is to ask other boys in this age group for recommendations.
So here are 30 books, tried-and-tested by boy readers this age
Allison Tait (A.L Tait) is the author of two epic adventure series for boys (and girls) aged 9-99, THE MAPMAKER CHRONICLES and THE ATEBAN CIPHER novels. Find out more about Allison and her books here.
There is a staggered start to online learning all over the country this month – as school holidays officially end. Like many of you, I am picking up this next plate to add to those already spinning in the air. I am actually a teacher as well as a psychologist and let me reassure you, this is not homeschooling. This is not even normal schooling for schools!
Listen to the podcast here, watch my video at the end or read along below:
When schooling comes home, it will look quite different for each household and even each child at your dining table. It will look different for tweens and teens, compared to younger primary aged children who are less able to work independently.
I don’t want any of this to become a guilt trip or something burdensome. I don’t want you to look at this post title and think about what you are not doing. Things will happen according to your child’s abilities, interests and even your own available time. What you need is to feel supported.
There are fantastic tips and pieces of advice online right now, so I don’t claim to have come up with every idea below. Teachers work well as a village and I have gathered some great ideas from that village, for you (Spoiler alert – it’s not all about worksheets).
As a start…
Some have said, “This is not home schooling – a better term is crisis schooling.”
Many tweens and teens are grieving right now. Grieving the loss of face-to-face socials with friends, their sports, arts, parties, events, part-time jobs, independence…
The best thing we can do to support struggling kids, is to honour that grief process, by doing a lot of listening.
Expect our kids to act out. Expect some back chat. Expect some withdrawal. Expect them to not want to get out of bed. Expect them to not have words to express their inner frustration.
Give yourself a lot of grace too! Some of you have lost jobs, or your partners have lost their jobs. Some parents who are working outside of the home might be afraid of going out right now. This whole way of living has parents feeling frayed and frazzled too.
It is okay to NOT be amazing at everything. Especially at supporting your tween with their learning. Don’t try to be a Pinterest parent. This is not Pinterest School. This is not a competition!
Principals and teachers have been at pains to say that they do not expect you to be your child’s teacher. Your job is to be your child’s parent, and then just do the best you can.
What are the Most Important things you can do?
Your child will likely need two things from you. You already have all the tools within you, as a loving parent, to do them. You are probably doing them already.
They need to feel that their home is a safe place and that you believe in them.
The Safe Place
We can create a sense of safety in our homes by establishing routines (see below and in my last post here). But also by ensuring our children feel heard. Let them name and express their feelings, without providing uninvited solutions.
“If core emotions are continually suppressed, they put stress on the mind and body. Too many emotions, coupled with too much aloneness, in persistently triggering environments, make it difficult, if not impossible, for a child to feel safe and calm.” (Hilary Jacobs Hendel, Psychotherapist.)
Touch your teens in ways that feel loving to them, because touch is known to help soothe a stressed nervous system.
The Cheer Squad (using the 3 E’s)
Find an opportunity every day to Engage, Encourage or Express belief in your teen’s abilities.
You don’t need to use shallow praise (which they will see right through anyway). Rather, catch them doing something good/ fulfilling/ helpful/ worthwhile/ caring…
For example; Thank them for helping with a chore after their online learning time, Praise them for their effort at sitting down to do online work, Ask them to show you what they learned that day (and give your undivided attention if they do), Tell them you believe that they can get through this time, Reassure them that this will end and, Make your face light up when you see them enter the room.
Where Online Learning Comes In
Set up a Learning Space
Help your child set up a learning space which is separate from a chill or leisure space. i.e. At the corner of the dining table, in a study or at a desk.
Not on their beds or on the couch. This helps their minds to mentally prepare for and get into a learning zone for a period of time.
Help your Teen to Maintain a Routine
Routines help anchor us. They reduce stress by providing some predictability (something we all need currently) and give us a sense of control over our day.
We know that routine and connection are important for our young people‘s mental and social health at this time. Having to get up, dressed, connect with teachers, classmates, and yes, even do some routine schoolwork can be good for them. It can help minimise the daily blur.
Teachers also understand the importance of routine and accountability. My own children’s school, like many others, has scheduled an early morning online check in. Students need to log in to the school’s chosen online portal and send a thumbs up or comment that they are ready to start the day.
Teachers immediately become concerned about the students who regularly miss check-ins. The ones they feel might watch Netflix until 3am (as an attempt to drown out the Covid noise) and then sleep until lunchtime each day. Teachers worry about how to keep these kids engaged and connected.
During their ‘school’ week, help teens to stick to regular routines like; wake up times, morning rituals, scheduled breaks, meal times, leisure, exercise and bed times.
If your child’s school doesn’t send a suggested routine, set up a visual schedule with your child. Having them be part of creating their schedule helps young people take some ownership of their own day.
Things will move More Quickly than in a Regular School Day
Parents will be surprised at how fast things get done, compared to a regular school day. It is important that we don’t put pressure on our teens (or ourselves) to artificially create work to fill some sort of 6 hour ‘school’ day. The bulk of the day’s lessons might be done within 2-3 hours for some tweens and younger teens.
Former chair of NESA, Tom Alegounarias, reminds us that it isn’t appropriate to be in concentrated and engaged learning all day, while at home, because that isn’t actually what happens at school. Students don’t remain in a focused state for prolonged periods.
I know from my teaching time that a chunk of my lesson included getting Joe to take out his pen, reminding Sera to turn to page 6, giving Mel ‘the look’ to stop nudging Ben, or calling extroverted Liam back to his seat to do his writing – for the 6th time.
The school day also consists of line up times, year meetings, assemblies, break times and all sorts of other great socialising. All part of the stuff that makes up the social fabric of school life. That which is not part of an ‘at home’ or online learning day.
What is essential to cover?
Apart from our Year 12 students (another blog post entirely!) who need to remain engaged, parents keep asking what their children ‘should’ cover.
This is not easy for me to answer, because I know that every family and child will be different. While some students will happily engage in all of the tasks set by their teachers, others will find this really difficult.
For working parents or those with tweens and teens who need more supervision at home, stick to the basics. Take advantage of the mornings, when young people’s minds are fresher. (Unless of course you have a teen with sleep issues, then chat to the school and adjust their schedule as needed.)
The Basics – Literacy and Maths
I’m not going to spend a lot of space giving you links to online educational content. Your child’s school will provide what works best for them. Besides, there are so many blog posts and websites with fabulous recommendations already.
Try for some:
Reading: Schedule in 20 minutes of free reading time every day. There are some amazing authors who have recommended books for tweens and teens. (Side Note: Authors need all the support they can get at this time too!).
If you have a child who doesn’t enjoy reading, let them listen to audiobooks. This absolutely counts as literacy. (Audible recently announced their launch of Audible Stories. This is a new service, providing free audiobooks for small children and teens, for the duration of the COVID-19 pandemic.)
Writing: My son loves writing – so I will be approaching his teacher to ask if he can rather develop his own short book or story series, in place of writing topics set for him each week. Jo Ong, a teacher friend of mine, developed the Super Toilet Paper comic series, which I think some creative tweens and teens would enjoy. Jo’s own kids are writing Super TP adventures to contribute to their comic each day.
Maths: Get your teens to do at least some of the Maths exercises that their teacher sets. Alternatively, both Khan Academy and Eddie Woo’s Woo Tube provide great content during this time.
However, if it all feels overwhelming or as if there is too much content to get through, contact your child’s school. This is new territory for teachers too. They are also trying to figure out the what and how much. They really want to support your child.
Learning does not end in a worksheet
It has been said that children can develop their broader knowledge by watching historical movies, discussing ideas over dinner, or listening to and then talking about podcasts. My nephew’s High School set the students a Minecraft building exercise for History. How amazing is that?
Teach practical skills like building a fire, changing a light bulb, changing a tyre, getting kids to read a recipe and cook once a week.
But don’t force it – some things will happen organically.
In our case, we don’t make elaborate crafts, work on old cars or bake as a family (my daughter does the baking). We do what fits for us. As an example, my husband has been extending our deck for some time. My 12 year-old son has been fascinated and asked to use the power tools recently. He now drills the screws into the demarcated spots, on his own, a little bit every day. He is meticulous. And he loves it.
Don’t forget either, that delivering care packages to a neighbour’s doorstep teaches empathy and Emotional Intelligence.
Alternatively, ask your children what they are interested in and then encourage them to learn about that.
These all count.
Also Part of Mental Health
Plan some Fun
Down time and chill time need to also be part of your child’s daily routine. Getting some exercise and socialising are usually very much a part of a young person’s week.
As I mentioned in Part 1 – Housebound Families, “This is not the time to overly restrict screen-time.” (Although, I don’t mean all boundaries or age restrictions go out of the window). A large chunk of their screen time will be for socialising too. Gaming or social media are great sources of connection with friends that your teens are missing dearly.
My youngest doesn’t usually get game time during the week, in term time. But currently, he needs to connect with and chat with his friends after ‘school’. He doesn’t own a phone, so his Xbox (in the lounge room) is a wonderful way for him to do that right now.
Look after YOUR Mental Health
Be real with yourself about what’s actually happening. Perhaps journal or mentally list all the things you and your child accomplished in a week – no matter how small it seems to you – to remind yourself that they are learning. That you are doing a great job.
But, Some Days…
Some days I know that none of the above is going to go as planned. Maybe the best thing, some days, will be that our children simply feel safe and loved.
Some days, we will lay down the plates and hug and chill and go for walks. To just be together. The plates aren’t going anywhere. We will pick them up again tomorrow.
Our lives will never be the same after this. One thing I can promise you – your child will learn something new things during this time. This is life and we learn from all experiences in life!
You’ve got this parents!!
If you prefer to listen along, here is the link to my podcast on this topic. It is part of a 4 part series called, ‘The Mental Fitness podcast’. Available on Spotify, Apple podcasts and more.
Many around the world have been housebound for some time now. We’re not even sure when this way of living will come to an end. How might we navigate everyone being at home, in a confined space, for most of the day, for an unknown period of time… and still maintain mental fitness?
Listen to the podcast here, watch the video at the end, or read on below.
The Ever Twirling Plates in the Air
I realise that we will all face different challenges and joys in the dynamics of couples, housemates or parents and children living together so constantly. I am navigating this terrain too. My husband is at home, as are my children. I have a 19 year old doing uni, a 17 year old doing her Year 12 and a primary aged son.
I feel like I am constantly keeping plates in the air. Ever between daily household stuff, trying to find toilet paper, being a support to my older two, a teacher to my youngest, delivering live uni lectures via Zoom and consulting online as a psychologist. You will be twirling your own plates too. Some days can feel overwhelming.
“With coronavirus shutting off our normal escape valves, how do we release the lid and turn off the heat before our relationship has all but melted down?”
I would add, “How might we also contribute to each others’ mental fitness this week?“
Start with the Foundations and then Build what You need from there
1. Household Routine
Have your own agreed upon family or household routine (Wake up, sleep, rest, chill, exercise and meal times – see No 6). Try to keep these as stable as possible. Routines provide a sense of stability (in an unstable environment) and mental clarity.
And then… expect it to go pear shaped some days!
Adults, you don’t need to serve your children all day long. This is a time when everyone needs to pitch in. You might need to now set or adjust the chore schedule. If teens haven’t learned to cook yet, this is the perfect time for them to pick a day of the week to help with cooking (with you at first and then on their own).
2. Be Gracious with Space
As we are spending more time with one another, it is important to reasonably give family members as much space as they need.
If you can, establish boundaries for ‘my’ space and ‘our’ space
Having siblings spending too much time together is often a recipe for conflict. Especially when one child needs more downtime than the other/s. Assign, in fact schedule, separate times and family times if you need to.
As an introvert (like me) you may need to find a quiet place where you can gather your thoughts and sit in stillness for a time. Sitting in your car, alone, on the driveway, might be such a place.
Adults may even consider developing a signal, or sign on your door, which indicates to the family that you are having some alone time.
3. Keep Relationships Healthy
Expect difficult days and then move on. Try not to dwell on them. You are not a bad parent if people (including the adults) have days that are less than ideal. Difficult days are part of being human.
We’re in constant close quarters and things that irritate us about out partners or children are going to be much easier to spot. They will grate up on us like rough sandpaper.
It is vital therefore that we actively look for what family members are doing right. More often than what they’re doing wrong.
Healthy families ban criticism and work hard to keep meanness from their vocabulary. As adults we can try to model this and discourage our children from calling each other unkind names.
Saying “thank you”, more times than growling about what others aren’t doing, builds relationships. Even for something as simple as making a cup of tea or washing some plates. As parents we are modelling gratitude in this time.
Practice expressing what you do need, more often than what frustrates you.
Teach ‘I’ statements when expressing something family members are frustrated about, “I feel that I could really do with more support in…”
4. The Power of Stress Reducing Conversations
Julie Gottmann encourages couples to spend time in the evenings in stress reducing conversations. I advise this for families too. i.e. Just listening to the highs and lows of each person’s day. Not trying to solve anything, give advice or tell our teens what they should be grateful for. (Yes gratitude is important. But insisting that someone express gratitude when they need to express pain is not the right time).
Allow everyone to simply have a chance to vent and to feel heard.
5. The Screen-time question
“How much is too much?”
The answer – “It depends…”
Of course, if a child or adult is spending hours and hours in solitude, watching Netflix, they won’t be; connecting with others, stimulating their minds, moving their bodies or getting fresh air.
With younger children, teens and adults in one house, someone is likely to be Zooming, Skyping or House-partying at any given moment.
This is not the time to overly restrict screen-time. I don’t mean all boundaries go out of the window, because young people are more vulnerable than ever at this time.
“Higher use of the internet during the COVID-19 crisis has been accompanied by a 40 per cent spike in reports to eSafety across its reporting areas.” eSafety Commissioner
It is still vital for our tweens and younger teens to have:
their technology in public spaces, (i.e online schooling at the dining table and phones out of bedrooms).
us keep an eye on content being accessed (i.e.social media is for over 13s, any movies or games downloaded)
boundaries for bedtimes
screen-free down times
Yet, although our young people use devices to do school work, refine a skill and connect to exercise gurus (thanks P.E with Joe!). A big part of their screen time will be to socialise. They will need to continue to do this over the next few weeks. Gaming or social media are great sources of connection with friends they are missing dearly.
6. The Daily Essentials
To maintain Mental Fitness, make times in your day where you focus on a few rituals that communicate warmth, affection and safety. Rough and tumble play, touch or hugs are such a vital part of connection. There are both psychological and physiological benefits to healthy touch.
Find ways to touch family members and children that speak their love language. Particularly at this time, when young people have to maintain the physical distancing boundaries from friends who form such an important part of their lives.
Ensure teens and adults are getting some sunshine, drinking water, eating nutritious meals, exercising, reading books.
Have a few fun times planned – play a board game, eat a meal on the balcony, camp in the backyard, sleep in a blanket fort or light a fire and toast marshmallows in the middle of the week.
I keep saying this, but find some humour. Humour is such a healthy outlet for stress and it normalises anxieties shared by all of us.
Last thoughts
To finish where I started, Julie Gottman says, “We need each other more than ever — especially those we live with. Let’s cultivate a little more kindness between us.”
If you prefer to listen along, here is the link to my podcast on this topic. It is part of a 4 part series called, ‘The Mental Fitness podcast’. Available on Spotify, Apple podcasts and more.
Many teens are able to tackle some of the online education tasks set for them independently. But what happens if you have a teen with an ADHD diagnosis?
We’re all in the thick of ‘physical distancing’ right now. Parents are juggling what feels like 5 jobs. Their own, and then the education of their children (aren’t teachers incredible?). Parents are encouraged to be kind to themselves, and their children in this time, because everybody is feeling a little anxious. Many experts have used the phrase, “Lower the bar.” Lower the expectations of ourselves and our children.
Do some school work, but ensure that this is balanced with lots of other connection, fun and chill-out time. This is not a normal ‘homeschooling’ set up. It has been coined, ‘crisis schooling’.
Working at home is even more difficult for students with ADHD and many parents have asked for ideas on how to support their tweens and teens. So I approached Tim Connell, a special education consultant, for his best tips. Here is his expert advice:
Why is Working at Home so Difficult for Students with ADHD?
Students with ADHD benefit from the routine and structure of school. Specifically, these routines help to ‘outsource’ some of the executive functions and free up cognitive resource that can now be allocated to Selective and Sustained Attention.
How Can Parents Help?
1. Adults at home can help by replicating as much of the school routine as possible including;
Getting up at the same time as would be the case for school – avoid getting up at the ‘last minute’ before Period 1 begins.
Allowing plenty of time to eat, shower and organise their workspace.
Ensuring they eat a good breakfast – the brain needs glycogen to fuel attention.
Ensuring they are ready to enter the ‘virtual classroom’ for Period 1.
Regularly checking in, either in person or text if you’re not at home.
Ensuring their sleep pattern remains regular. (i.e.getting enough sleep and not going to bed too late.)
Continuing to follow the treatment plan provided by your clinician/psychologist.
2. What about the work environment?
The bedroom is probably not the best place to work, as it will usually be full of potential distractions for a teen with ADHD.
If working in the bedroom is unavoidable then students should be sitting at a desk rather than working on laptop on the bed.
A work environment should be quiet, uncluttered and all equipment should be within easy reach – a timer is a useful additional piece of equipment. See the Pomodoro Technique, (Collett’s note – this involves working in 25 minute blocks of time.I have recommended this technique to both adults and teens with ADHD, and many have found this very effective.)
3. My child seems to need more breaks at home – is that ok?
Working at home in most cases will be more cognitively effortful. Particularly as students and teachers adapt to this process and lessons become a more consistent balance of video and online platforms.
Regular breaks are an important opportunity to ‘recharge’ cognitively. The danger for students with ADHD is that returning to work after a break is also cognitively effortful and requires some structured support.
Program short breaks into the day, in advance – ideally after periods of sustained attention (as above).
Do NOT use breaks to engage in a favoured activity such as gaming, because this makes it much harder to return to work.
Eat and drink during the break to restore glycogen levels
Add physical activity into some breaks
Time all breaks and physically rehearse the process of getting back to the desk and starting work. This helps to build muscle memory and automaticity.
4. Accountability – I feel like I’m nagging all day during this difficult time.
Students with ADHD benefit from being held accountable for their work (Dr Russel Barkley explains this). Adults at home can help by;
Clarifying exactly what work is due each day/week (Collett’s note – Asking teachers to keep you in the loop can be helpful here).
Helping to break longer tasks down into smaller, time bound sub-tasks (again, see the Pomodoro Technique mentioned above).
Using the same high level of specific performance-based praise that occurs at school.
Agreeing in advance on expected work behaviours and attitudes.
Agreeing in advance on rewards and sanctions.
Rewarding work completion and independent organisation as appropriate.
Implementing consequences for non-completion of work.
5. My child has an IAP/IEP (Individualised Education Plan) at School – what could this look like at home?
In most cases the individual adjustments within each student’s plan will be variations on those described above.
Collett’s Last Thoughts on Supporting your Child at Home
If you or your child are feeling overwhelmed, it is more than okay to have a break and go back to something later. If stress levels are escalating, it is important that you contact your child’s teacher/s. Schools are not expecting parents to have the same level of skill as a trained teacher. Educators are brilliant at adjusting work and schedules according to their students’ needs or abilities, because they want the best for them.
Tim Connell is an Australian special education consultant with over 20 years’ experience across all sectors. Tim has worked with hundreds of students and schools in a variety of executive and special education consultancy roles. He has presented extensively at schools and conferences. You can find out more about Tim at: www.timconnellaustralia.com
If you need further assistance, Tim offers support by;
Discussing ways your child’s IEP/IAP can be implemented at home.
Discussing additional adjustments to communication, environment and curriculum that may be relevant at home.
Discussing specific scenarios that may be causing concern.
Like many reading this, I am a parent (I have 3 children, one already an adult) – and the talk of COVID-19 has been part of our daily conversation in the last weeks. Especially since the flow of information (and misinformation) has picked up. It’s difficult to ignore isn’t it? Reports are everywhere. On every screen, in every feed, every board meeting, work site and school staff meeting. I think many of us have vacillated between the ‘what nows?’ and the ‘what ifs?’
We know that we can’t shield our tweens and teens, because they will hear about it anyway, from peers, siblings, online… But how much is too much information? And what is age appropriate? How do we help our teens and tweens manage their anxiety about COVID-19? How do we steer away from the fear?
As a Start
Model
Even teenagers look to the adults in their lives for behavioural cues. They learn from us about how concerned they should be about anything unknown or new. Even without words, our behaviour can inadvertently create a climate of distress in our homes. So it is important that we have support people to turn to, if we are feeling anxious ourselves.
Normalise Anxiety
Concern for the unknown or some new disease is a perfectly normal reaction. Encourage your children that not all anxiety is bad. It is our brain’s brilliant way of keeping us safe from and alert to danger. Anxiety works like an alarm system, which prompts us to think of ways to look after ourselves.
It’s just that an oversensitive alarm system can lead us to irrational thoughts and fears, which affect our healthy daily functioning. So how do we keep this alarm system in check, during this time? (I’ll get to that soon…)
Monitor your child
Even within developmental stages, children will display differences in how they respond to certain pieces of news or information. Just because your tween does not verbalise that they feel anxious (they may not even recognise anxiety in themselves), does not mean they are not struggling with something they have heard.
You know your child best, so looks for signs that they are not doing well. I.e. regression, sleep issues (struggling to fall asleep, waking up in the night and worrying, nightmares), changes in appetite, changes in behaviour (acting out, withdrawal, bouts of crying for seemingly small things), separation anxiety (not wanting to go to school, usual activities or to be left alone), sudden headaches or tummy aches and drop in school performance.
What to Say
Be proactive
At this time, it is a good idea to be proactive. Start by finding out what your child has heard and what they know, before launching into too many details.
This can be done by asking open ended questions like, “Can you tell me what you heard about that?”
You can also ask specifically if they have any fears or concerns. Keep in mind that your t(w)een’s primary response to ‘scary’ or unknown news can often be emotional, rather than intellectual.
The real question behind their question is usually, “Am I safe?”
This is the most important bit – Listen well!
When your kids come home with stories from a classmate who said that you or grandma might die, this could be the underlying fear of the COVID-19 stories, for them.
Rather than simply saying, “Oh, I’ll be fine.” or “That’s a silly thing to say.” or, “Just forget about it.” – acknowledge the emotion with something like, “That must have felt scary to hear.” or “That must have worried you.” Do lots of listening. Ask more open ended questions and then listen some more. Even if your teens’s question or fear seems ‘silly’ to you – don’t minimise.
If it is important to them it should be important to you. This helps your child feel heard and develops a sense that you care about them.
How Much to Say
Tailor your approach to each child’s age, maturity level, ability to process information and exposure to reports about the virus. Molly Gardner, a paediatric psychologist told TIME magazine, “Being informed and being anxious are two different things… The more we beat around the bush with kids, the more they might get confused.”
Preteens and teens
With most very young children, we know that shielding is the best option, but older children and teens have more exposure to current events. I have written before, that adults can sometimes assume their teens are coping with the overload of media reported trauma – while quietly – they are imploding. For many teens, their imaginations (fuelled by sometimes unreliable social media reported trauma and a constant stream of graphic images) can magnify the events to even greater levels of terror.
Our tweens and teens can usually cope with frank discussions. Again, stick to the facts. However, highlighting the misinformation and hype, represented in some media reports, can teach young people to become more critical media users themselves. Find realistic and trusted news sources that your family can follow. Brainstorm with teens, some practical steps to follow.
What to Do
Astudyabout empowering families during a healthcare crisis recommends the CARE approach:
Choices Agenda Resilience Emotional Support
Engaging the CARE principles (not necessarily in this order) helps young people and families feel empowered. It reduces, and may even improve the risk of anxiety and trauma responses.
(1) CHOICES – Offer power in a powerless environment
This might look like:
Channelling their anxiety into useful action. i.e. everyone can do something to help slow the spread of disease, using hand sanitiser, by coughing into your elbow, washing your hands regularly.
Distraction – because when we fixate on negative information our anxiety grows. Yet, if we turn our attention to healthy activities, it shrinks. Ask your child to choose some healthy distraction activities, e.g. Doing their homework, remaining physically active, cuddling a pet, playing a board game or watching a favourite show.
Encouraging teens to take a break from, or at least limit exposure to, news and social media reports on the virus.
(2) AGENDA – Let children and families know what to expect and what is expected of them.
This could be by explaining the school’s plan for learning, if the school were to close for a few weeks. (Final year students might be especially anxious about this).
Think about what activities they could do during this time (both academic and for relaxation).
If your child is disappointed that a scheduled event has been cancelled, just listen. Let them vent.
Explain what ‘physical distancing’ (social distancing) means, and why ‘flattening the curve‘ is an important part of government decisions.
Then talk about what steps you would take if a family member did contract the virus (because kids are wondering about this!) What is your family plan?
(3) RESILIENCE – Highlight strengths and reframe negatives
Research suggests that teenagers feel better when they turn their attention to supporting others during difficulty. There is great power in volunteering.
Talk about what ‘love in action’ looks like in a time like this. Think about what you would do to support grandparents, family members or neighbours who are vulnerable or have a disability. E.g. Collect and drop off food parcels, toiletries and medicines.
Model mindfulness and gratitude (without minimising teens’ concerns)
Find current examples of ‘helpers’. Like the one about 19-year-old NBL star Zion Williamson’s incredible act of kindness.
My favourite quote on reframing negatives is by Fred Rogers,
(4) EMOTIONAL SUPPORT – Recognise and normalise common fears and responses
Keep providing daily emotional first aid. Check in on how your children are feeling.
Remind them you are there to listen to any questions or concerns.
Some young people find that their faith brings them great comfort, in times of crisis. Support them in this.
You might like to help your t(w)een begin a daily (short term) journal or worry box, where they can write down their fears. Then be sure to balance these with something from principles 1, 2 and 3.
One last thought – Find Some Humour
Humour can often highlight the craziness of humanity, but also normalise our response to the unknown. There are so many toilet paper memes going around. See who can find the best one.
‘Gaslighting’ means to manipulate a person into doubting their own sanity, through psychological means. It is a calculated tactic which sees the abuser gain more power and makes the victim question their reality. Gaslighting can happen in toxic friendships too, but for the sake of this article, I am referring to romantic relationships.
Where does the term ‘gaslighting’ come from?
A play, by Patrick Hamilton, called Gaslight was adapted to film in the 1940s. Each time the husband turns up the gas lights in his private attic or upstairs room, the gas lights downstairs go dim. The husband is up in his attic looking for jewels, which belonged to a woman he murdered.
The wife notices the dimming lights and asks her husband about this. He tells her she is simply imagining the dimming lights. The husband seizes an opportunity to get away with his crime. That is, by having his wife declared insane.
He sets out to convince her and others that she is ‘crazy’. In so doing, he takes every opportunity to create little changes around the home (missing pictures and jewellery, strange footsteps) and then tells her she is delusional when she tries to point them out. He slowly isolates her from others…
Although we now use the term ‘gaslighting’, this form of abuse is not new.
What’s happening to women and girls?
Intimate partner violence is a leading contributor to illness, disability and premature death for women aged 18-44 years old. On average, one woman a week is murdered by her current or former partner, in Australia. In other countries where I work it is even higher. According to the most recent data from 2017/18, a woman is murdered every 3 hours in South Africa.
Gaslighting is a form emotional abuse
1 in 4 women have experienced emotional abuse by a current or former partner since the age of 15 (and these are only the reported cases). Fifteen!! This means we must be looking out for our girls earlier.
How is gaslighting done?
Remember that gaslighting is calculated emotional manipulation, often in the form of undermining yet subtle, chronic insults. It is usually done when your daughter doesn’t comply with something her partner/boyfriend wants to control. She might often hear terms like,
“Oh you’re crazy!” “You’re just imagining things” “You’re remembering that all wrong.” “You’re always so dramatic!” ”
You’re just being hysterical.” “Don’t take it so personally” “I was only joking.” “I say those things because it’s what everyone else is thinking.” “I was just trying to help you.”
It can happen slowly and insidiously, for so long, that the young woman actually begins to question her own sanity. She begins to wonder if she is in fact ‘crazy’. Exactly what the abuser wants. i.e. “Look she’s obviously the problem here! It’s not me.”
The psychological toll on our young women
Because gaslighting is sinister, like other forms of abuse, it seeks to harm the victim and then blame them for it. i.e. Your daughter must deal with the initial verbal or emotional injury, and then also face the accusations that follow. In all of this, the young woman loses her own voice. She loses her sense of trust in herself and her ability to interpret the world. The abuse undermines her self-confidence, sense of worth and sense of safety in the world. The woman can feel confused, mistrustful and even become angry – which then feeds the abuser with further psychological ammunition.
The reason it is so confusing is because the accuser is a master at telling blatant lies. Often in a very calm and everyday kind of voice. If the abuser does shout, it will usually be blamed on the victim – “You see what you did? You provoked me and so I yelled.”
Supporting our daughters
We must help our daughter to claim her voice back. So it is important we don’t tell her what we think she is feeling. Rather our aim should be to empower her. Perhaps start by gently saying what you have noticed happening, and then let her know that you believe she is really strong in so many areas of her life (be honest and realistic with these).
Remind her that you are available any time she might want to come and talk, even if it is not today.
At a time she is open to it, you might gently ask your daughter if she feels as though she:
is always apologising in the relationship. Often when she is not sure why or to just keep the peace.
frequently makes excuses for her partner’s behaviour.
knows that something is wrong, but just can’t pin point it.
finds herself having the same conversation over and over again, yet can’t seem to convince her partner to acknowledge her point of view.
asks herself, “Am I too sensitive?” many times a day/week.
often feels confused and even ‘crazy’ in the relationship.
lies to her partner, to try to avoid the put-downs and criticism.
has had trouble making simple decisions because she is afraid of the outcome.
has begun to doubt herself and her decision making ability.
wonders if she is ‘good enough’.
Encourage her, if she prefers, to talk with girlfriends, a life coach or a counsellor, that you will support her in this. Not because you believe she is weak, but because it will help her sort through her thoughts and do what she believes is best for herself and in her relationship.
Last thoughts – Helping your daughter use her voice
Something that all of us can do more of is encourage our girls to use their voices more. And when you disagree with your teenage daughter’s budding opinion, be careful not to cut it down with your own. Rather, you might say something like, “Can you tell me more about that?”, or “How did you come to think that?” or “So what you mean is…”
Encourage her to use assertive phrases at home, around the dinner table, during family disagreements and in her friendships.
“We’ll have to agree to disagree.” “No, Just no.”
“I don’t like how I feel right now, so I want to finish this conversation later.” “I don’t like how I feel right now, so I think we should end there.” “I would like you to respect my point of view.”
“Please stop talking over me” “I will have to leave this conversation.” “I feel that you are trying to tell me what my experience is. I’m not OK with that.”
“You need to stop.” Even “Do not contact me again”, when she believes she needs to be safe.
A person who leaves you feeling drained and makes you regularly question your own sanity, is not someone you want around. Your daughter deserves more.
Please reach out to your GP or to your local Lifeline for more personalised support.
Lifeline Australia – 13 11 14
Kids Helpline Australia (FREE – even from a mobile phone) – 1800 55 1800
Childline Zimbabwe
Lifeline New Zealand – 0800 543 354
Collett Smart is a psychologist, qualified teacher, speaker and internationally published author of, ‘They’ll be Okay: 15 Conversations to help your child through troubled times’. The heart of Collett’s work is to support and bring Hope to parents of tweens and teens. She lives with her husband and 3 children in Sydney, Australia. Find out more at www.raisingteenagers.com.au
Raising Teens is a place where you will find current psychological research on teens and tweens, in practical terms. It also has information and links to well-known experts, on adolescent development, so that you can get on with the job that you do best. That is – supporting, connecting with and loving your teen.
Follow
The Raising Teens Podcast
On Spotify:
On Apple podcasts:
THEY’LL be OKAY!
THEY'LL be OKAY! - Australia/New Zealand Edition
THEY’LL be OKAY! International
Available in the UK, Europe & Commonwealth (excl. Canada)
Conversations with Teens
About the Author
My name is Collett Smart. I am a psychologist, qualified teacher, speaker, podcaster and internationally published author, with more than 25 years experience working in private and public schools, as well as in private practice. I am married and have 3 children aged aged 22, 20 and 14 years-old.
Welcome to Raising Teens!
Holes by Louis Sacher
The Skeleton Tree by Iain Lawrence
The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas
My name is Collett Smart. I am a psychologist, qualified teacher, speaker, podcaster and internationally published author, with more than 25 years experience working in private and public schools, as well as in private practice. I am married and have 3 children aged aged 22, 20 and 14 years-old.
Welcome to Raising Teens!