Festivities can be so much fun, and parties provide opportunities for socialising and a little freedom for older teens. It is wonderful to be young! Encouragingly, it has been reported that teens today are making better choices with alcohol than previous generations. Yet I am often asked, “How much influence do parents have on teens, parties and alcohol consumption?”
A number of studies, in Australia, the US and the UK show more teens choosing not to drink, regardless of gender or socio- economic background. There are still some concerns in the UK where although teens appear to be drinking less than in the past. They are still getting drunk more often and consuming larger quantities of alcohol than many (but no all) of their European peers (see here and here.)
The effects of alcohol and binge drinking
Overall, although fewer teens are choosing to drink, among those who do, they are binge drinking at dangerous levels. With parties come late nights. The resulting tiredness can also alter the ability to make healthy decisions, particularly when alcohol is added to the mix. Given the detrimental effects of alcohol on the developing brain and the numbing fog that comes with consuming alcohol, we need to continue to warn young people about its dangers. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, which can make it more likely for teenagers to make risky decisions. Half of sexual victimisation incidents involve alcohol. We still see far too many acts of abuse and harassment occur during alcohol- soaked gatherings. One of my go-to experts on teen drug and alcohol education is Paul Dillon, the founder of DARTA (Drug and Alcohol Research and Training Australia). Paul wrote this excerpt for my book on teens, parties and alcohol,
“Certainly I believe that this is a generation that really wants to look after others, most particularly their friends.
Girls are more likely to ask for information on how to look after their friends, particularly when they are drunk. But in my experience boys are just as likely to assist in an emergency and are more likely to do it by themselves. Girls tend to operate in ‘packs’ and as a result, no one necessarily takes the lead and that’s where things can go wrong.
Unfortunately, young men’s attitudes toward alcohol are a reflection of what we see in the general community. Even though they truely care about themselves and their friends, when alcohol is added to the equation, their value system can change and their attitudes, particularly toward young women who like to drink, can be frightening.”
Given these detrimental effects, we need to continue to support teens in this area.
Teens, Parties and Alcohol
What difference do parents make on alcohol consumption?
A factor we now understand is that parents are one of the main suppliers of alcohol to young teen drinkers. It comes from the mistaken belief that providing their younger teenager with alcohol will help their child to drink ‘more responsibly’. It is wrongly assumed that because they ‘under supervision’ teens will then make better drinking choices when going out. This actually has the opposite effect. These teens tend to drink higher quantities of alcohol when out. I am also constantly surprised by the amount of times I hear about parents hosting a party and offering to purchase alcohol, on behalf of their teen’s peers. FARE – the Foundation for Alcohol Research & Education’s research found that, Australians continue to break the law and supply alcohol to underage drinkers. In the belief that there is little risk of detection or punishment.
“In Australia, almost 60 per cent of alcohol consumed by 12 to 17 year olds is supplied by adult friends, relatives or strangers, despite the fact that the provision of alcohol to young people under the age of 18 by someone other than their parent or guardian is in fact illegal in most Australian jurisdictions.”
The great news?
One of the game changers for the afore mentioned changes in teens alcohol consumption appears to be the reduction in parent supply. (See reports here and here). Many parents have also become aware of the risks of alcohol on the developing brain.
In Conversation
Modelling The place to start is by modelling healthy choices with alcohol ourselves. Openly talk about our family values and thoughts on underage drinking.
High school partiesIf your child is in high school (particularly around Year/Grade 9 in high school – 14 years old), it is a good time to start with discussions about alcohol at parties. Ask what they think they might do if offered a drink.
‘Safe outs’ Telling teens to ‘Just say no’ is very difficult for many to do in reality. Help them come up with scripts they could say, and come up with safe ‘outs’ for when they are in situations where drinking is involved. For example, they could make an excuse about having sport or work the next day and needing a clear head. Feign illness, hold the same drink all night, or volunteer to be the designated driver.
Code words It can be helpful for teenagers to have a “code” they can use with their parents. To be used use in a text or call, if they feel like things are getting out of hand. A word or emoji code that means, “Come and get me now, I need to be picked up”. This is something we’ve been talking to my own teens about for a long time. It gives teens a way to save face, so that if they feel like they need to leave they can do so.
Peer pressure Is and always has been a major factor in teens’ choices around alcohol. Positive peer pressure works too. So when teens hear about the negative effects of alcohol on their health and relationships, and that their generation is making better choices than ever with alcohol, they can (and do) make more informed decisions.
Share your own storyI tell teens about the time I was offered alcohol at a party when I was 14. The alcohol was bought and supplied by the parent, who often wanted to be seen as ‘the cool mum’. The power imbalance was enormous in having an adult encourage the young girls to drink. I spent the party walking around with the same can in my hand, pretending I had just picked up a new one. During the course of the night I slowly disposed of the contents into the indoor pot plants. Ideas and stories help teens think of creative ways to stick with their values, but also not feel embarrassed. They help teens realise they are not alone in choosing not to drink.
Remain firm but kind Stick with your boundary and remind yourself that this isn’t just an arbitrary rule. This is a safety and development boundary, which you are carrying out because you love your teen – not because you are trying to spoil their fun. Yet, remain kind and courteous in your reminder of this alcohol and parties rule. If your teen attempts to negotiate, state the facts, briefly remind them why the boundary is in place and then politely remove yourself from the situation if it is becoming heated.
Parties in your home: The Role Of Parents
Parties are an area where parents often feel that they have to back off and let teenagers have freedom. This is not the case! If you are hosting a party in your home, it’s important to stay visible and present. It is neither acceptable to play the role of BFF and turn a blind eye, nor for your teen to say to you “stay out of sight”. Besides the fact that it’s your home, having a group of under aged young people under your roof becomes a duty of care issue. There are usually many other parents expecting a responsible adult to be in charge and supervising. Sitting up in your room is not supervising. Too many young people are put at risk of peer pressure and sexual pressure when there is not supervision in place. Of course, ‘stalking’ is not helpful, but there are lots of creative and non-invasive ways that parents can maintain a presence amongst the teens. Perhaps, cook the barbecue, be in and out clearing cups and plates, fill up chip bowls, do the dishes in the kitchen, change a light bulb 😉 .
Dropping Off At A Party
If you are dropping off your young teenager at party or ‘gathering’, don’t be afraid to go and meet the hosts. This is especially true if you don’t know them. If your teen is embarrassed, perhaps let them go in first and then come along quietly behind. (Not in secret – so still being upfront with your teen, but letting them know you will wait until they have gone in). Forming a relationship with other parents goes a long way towards making sure that we extend our village and look out for each other’s teens.
Last thoughts
It is important that both parents, whether together or not, are on the same page in this area. This may take some compromising and discussion, but you need to remember your child’s safety is paramount!
Please support or encourage a parent, by sharing this article with them.
Collett Smart is a psychologist, qualified teacher, speaker and internationally published author. The heart of Collett’s work is to support and bring Hope to parents of tweens and teens. She lives with her husband and 3 children in Sydney, Australia. Find out more at www.raisingteenagers.com.au
by Collett Smart [This article is regularly updated]
Weekly news reports of traumatic images and stories of pain and destruction such as; natural disasters (bushfires, floods, volcanoes and earthquakes), the coronavirus, terrorist attacks, threats of war and shootings can cause great concern in children. Adults can sometimes assume that teens are coping with the overload of media reported trauma – while quietly – they are imploding.
This occurs, not only for those directly affected, but teens with a perceived threat of danger. In fact, for many teens, their imaginations (fuelled by sometimes unreliable social media reported trauma and constant stream of graphic images) can magnify the events to even greater levels of terror. Many parents, teachers, grandparents and carers become concerned about the emotional well-being of their children, and begin looking for advice on how to respond to questions from teens about recent upsetting events.
What are the signs that a young person might be struggling?
Look for a combination of some of the following:
sleeping problems, including nightmares, struggling to fall asleep, waking up during the night (you may need to specifically ask about this).
physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches or feeling ‘unwell’ in general.
not wanting to go to school or attend usual activities (sports, family/social events, use of public transport etc.) This could come from a fear of leaving a family member should something happens while at school. Or fear of something happening on public transport, or in a specific setting.
regressive behaviour.
changes in behaviour with teachers, carers, siblings and parents – becoming more withdrawn, tearful, aggressive or irritable than usual.
drop in performance at school.
In Conversation
The following ten tips are based upon Save the Children‘s years of experience (as well as other resources), and can be used as a guide for adults supporting young people who are not directly involved in the crisis (assistance for teens directly exposed to trauma is best sought from a professional). The relevancy of different tips will vary depending upon a child’s temperament, previous experience, age and where he or she lives.
Young people often ask the adults in their lives to explain what they have seen and to reassure them about what will happen next. The role of parents is still to ensure that their teen knows they are safe with you.
TEN tips on how to help teens process media reported trauma:
1. Turn off the news! Watching television reports or scrolling through images on social media may overwhelm tweens and teens. Overexposure to coverage of the events affects adults as well. Encourage screen limits, for a time, for both you and your teens. Process the information as you need to, but do your best to starve your news feed of the detailed stories, and begin again to focus on hope. This is not to ignore the facts, but our brains struggle to be in a constant state of ‘alarm’.
2. Listen to your tweens carefully, before responding. Get a clear picture of what it is that they understand and what is leading to their questions. Emotional stress results, in part, when a young person cannot give meaning to dangerous experiences. Find out what he or she understands about what has happened. Their knowledge will be determined by their age and their previous exposure to such events. Begin a dialog to help them gain a basic understanding that is appropriate for their age and respond to their underlying concerns (Hint – very often an underlying concern can be for personal safety or the safety of loved ones. Teens are also currently quite fearful about the future and the state of their earth).
3. Give reassurance and psychological first-aid. Assure them about all that is being done to protect children, animals and those directly affected by the crisis. Take this opportunity to let them know that if any emergency or crisis should occur, your primary concern will be their safety. Make sure they know they are being protected. Have 2 or 3 main steps you can verbalise, to indicate this.
4. Expect the unexpected. Not every tween or teen will experience these events in the same way. As young people develop, their intellectual, physical and emotional capacities change. Younger children will depend largely on their parents to interpret events, while tweens and teens will get information from a variety of sources – which may not be as reliable. Older teenagers, because of their greater capacity for understanding, may be more affected by stories. While teenagers seem to have more adult capacities to recover as well, they still need extra love, understanding and support to process these events. So be aware that, for some, their more general heightened emotion, moodiness or withdrawal may be a result of what they are trying to process (often they won’t even realise this).
5. Give your teen extra time and attention in age appropriate ways. Parents, don’t underestimate the power of your own nurturing.Children and teens need your close, personal involvement to comprehend that they are safe and secure. Talk, kick a ball, journal, make a hot chocolate, offer a hug and, most importantly, listen to them. Find time to engage in special activities with your teen.
6. Be a model for your teen. Young people will learn how to deal with these events by seeing how you deal with them. Base the amount of self-disclosure on the emotional and developmental level of each of your children. Explain your feelings but remember to do so calmly. Watch your own behavior. Make a point of showing sensitivity toward different countries, cultures and people affected by the disaster. This is an opportunity to teach your children that we are all part of one world and that we all need to support each other.
7. Help your teen return to normal activities. Young people almost always benefit from activity, routine and sociability. Ensure that your child’s school environment is also returning to normal patterns and not spending great amounts of time discussing the crisis in unhelpful detail.
8. Encourage your teen to do volunteer work (where possible). Helping others can give your teen a sense of control, security and empathy. Indeed, in the midst of crisis, adolescents and youth can emerge as active agents of positive change. Perhaps encourage your teen to help support local charities that assist children in need?
9. “Look for the helpers.” Despite the mass media attention to trauma and chaos, we need to remain mindful that there are often only a few evildoers involved in reprehensible incidents. Even in the face of natural disasters, the list of people willing to do good goes on and on, growing by the minute. We see it every time – people lined up, ready to do anything to help. Point them out to your teens – the local neighbours bringing food and making donations, the kind bus driver comforting a grandma, the police officers, the fire fighters, the animal rescue workers, anyone else you notice…
10. Look out for teens with a history of anxiety or depression. They can often be at increased risk, when they see bad news in the media, as the images they see and stories they hear, magnify their anxiety. These kids need a little extra patience and reassurance. Perhaps consider asking a school counsellor to chat with your child in the following weeks.
Last thoughts – Caring for survivors and their loved ones
For young people directly affected by this crisis (as well as those who have loved ones directly impacted in another area/city), parents should consider counselling. Not just for their teen, but also for the entire family.
Especially important to consider is that after a few weeks have gone by and the news moves on, onlookers tend to get on with their own lives and expect that those affected by the trauma, ‘Should be over it by now’. In fact, once the initial shock has passed and the reality has set in, it is at this time that nightmares, flashbacks and other symptoms of trauma can occur. This is the time to lean in and draw near.
Teachers and parents should be alert to any significant changes in eating habits, concentration, emotion/mood, sleeping patterns, sudden bed wetting, nightmares or frequent physical complaints without apparent illness. If present, these will likely subside within a short time, but without appropriate support and care they can become prolonged.
I strongly encourage you to seek psychological support and counselling.
Please support or encourage a parent, by sharing this article with them.
Collett Smart is a psychologist, qualified teacher, speaker and internationally published author. The heart of Collett’s work is to support and bring Hope to parents of tweens and teens. She lives with her husband and 3 children in Sydney, Australia. Find out more at www.raisingteenagers.com.au
Children who take part in family meals display less delinquency, greater academic achievement, improved psychological wellbeing, more positive family interactions and eat healthier foods.
Eating meals together as a family has wonderful benefits. Frequent regular family meals (3–7 times a week) reflect a sense of family connection and priorities. It says, “We are important!”
Not a lot is known about exactly why family meals create benefits, but it is suggested that it might be due to the empathy, family cohesion, family attitudes and communication skills modelled or displayed during these times. The time together also generates feelings of closeness and comfort, providing a unique context to connect with your tweens and teens.
Although family meal time on its own is not a magic bullet for emotional health, evidence suggests that children who take part in family meals display less delinquency, greater academic achievement, improved psychological wellbeing, more positive family interactions and eat healthier foods (1).
This feels like another thing to add to the week – What should we aim for?
Start small
If you haven’t been doing ‘family meal time’, set a goal that is realistic and doable for your family. Perhaps you might try to have a family meal at least three times per week, even if some members can’t be there occasionally, due to part-time jobs, work schedules, sport or other activities.
A family meal also doesn’t need to be a formal affair. It could be lunch at the kitchen bench after school, a sandwich on your lap, an afternoon tea outside on the patio, or a Sunday picnic in the garden. The key factors include; no screens, the focus being on the people present, teens and adults all included in the conversation, for a designated period of time. The meal habit communicates that time together is important. It’s OK if some teens prefer to just listen, be present and don’t want to chat every time. It is the ‘being together’ that counts.
Gatherings
Another goal might be to include both children and adults at the table, or in a big circle of chairs, when family friends are over for a meal. This was demonstrated to me by friends who always pull together their two odd tables when people are over (waves to Kerrie). They ensure that adults and children sit at meals together. Children and teens are included in the conversation, get to watch how other families interact and also gain the benefit of incidental mentoring by being part of adults’ discussions. Teens don’t need to sit at the table for the entire social event, but are expected to stay for the duration of the meal.
Even when it’s mayhem
It’s normal to have the turning-up-of-noses at food, bickering or irritability some days -> um… did I mention the turning-up-of-noses? Families aren’t robots. These instances help parents to model saying sorry, how to empathise with the person who has had a bad day, to teach respectful communication and gratitude for what we have and what has been prepared. Gratitude and empathy are standouts, when teens have been part of preparing a weekly meal.
Some meal time conversation starter ideas, to try occasionally:
“List one good thing and one not very good thing that happened in your day.” It is vital that adults share some of their struggles as teens, in particular, often imagine that adults don’t have inner conflict.
“What do you think might help Dad deal with that difficult person at work this week?” Let teens help you brainstorm. Keep it age appropriate and don’t scoff at their suggestions.
“How did [that issue] you just spoke about make you feel today?”
“What did you enjoy most about your sport/flute/event this week?”
“Who is someone you are worried about at the moment?”
(insert your own here)
One last thought
Even if meal times don’t happen during busy periods, don’t beat yourself up. That’s just life and family and being human. Just pick up where you left off. There is so much happening within the fabric of meal times that it is worth fighting to keep this habit going in your home.
Do you have any advice for us, on how you tweaked your weekly routine to add in a family meal or two?
Please support or encourage a parent, by sharing this article with them.
Collett Smart is a psychologist, qualified teacher, speaker and internationally published author. The heart of Collett’s work is to support and bring Hope to parents of tweens and teens. She lives with her husband and 3 children in Sydney, Australia. Find out more at www.raisingteenagers.com.au
Adapted from Conversation #6 in Collett’s book, THEY’LL be OKAY: 15 Conversations to Help Your Child Through Troubled Times (Hachette, 2019). Another version printed at Mums At the Table.
In today’s ‘Wellbeing with Collett’ video we chat about what you can do to help your teen through self isolation, staying at home and the changes to their ‘normal’ routine.
There is a staggered start to online learning all over the country this month – as school holidays officially end. Like many of you, I am picking up this next plate to add to those already spinning in the air. I am actually a teacher as well as a psychologist and let me reassure you, this is not homeschooling. This is not even normal schooling for schools!
Listen to the podcast here, watch my video at the end or read along below:
When schooling comes home, it will look quite different for each household and even each child at your dining table. It will look different for tweens and teens, compared to younger primary aged children who are less able to work independently.
I don’t want any of this to become a guilt trip or something burdensome. I don’t want you to look at this post title and think about what you are not doing. Things will happen according to your child’s abilities, interests and even your own available time. What you need is to feel supported.
There are fantastic tips and pieces of advice online right now, so I don’t claim to have come up with every idea below. Teachers work well as a village and I have gathered some great ideas from that village, for you (Spoiler alert – it’s not all about worksheets).
As a start…
Some have said, “This is not home schooling – a better term is crisis schooling.”
Many tweens and teens are grieving right now. Grieving the loss of face-to-face socials with friends, their sports, arts, parties, events, part-time jobs, independence…
The best thing we can do to support struggling kids, is to honour that grief process, by doing a lot of listening.
Expect our kids to act out. Expect some back chat. Expect some withdrawal. Expect them to not want to get out of bed. Expect them to not have words to express their inner frustration.
Give yourself a lot of grace too! Some of you have lost jobs, or your partners have lost their jobs. Some parents who are working outside of the home might be afraid of going out right now. This whole way of living has parents feeling frayed and frazzled too.
It is okay to NOT be amazing at everything. Especially at supporting your tween with their learning. Don’t try to be a Pinterest parent. This is not Pinterest School. This is not a competition!
Principals and teachers have been at pains to say that they do not expect you to be your child’s teacher. Your job is to be your child’s parent, and then just do the best you can.
What are the Most Important things you can do?
Your child will likely need two things from you. You already have all the tools within you, as a loving parent, to do them. You are probably doing them already.
They need to feel that their home is a safe place and that you believe in them.
The Safe Place
We can create a sense of safety in our homes by establishing routines (see below and in my last post here). But also by ensuring our children feel heard. Let them name and express their feelings, without providing uninvited solutions.
“If core emotions are continually suppressed, they put stress on the mind and body. Too many emotions, coupled with too much aloneness, in persistently triggering environments, make it difficult, if not impossible, for a child to feel safe and calm.” (Hilary Jacobs Hendel, Psychotherapist.)
Touch your teens in ways that feel loving to them, because touch is known to help soothe a stressed nervous system.
The Cheer Squad (using the 3 E’s)
Find an opportunity every day to Engage, Encourage or Express belief in your teen’s abilities.
You don’t need to use shallow praise (which they will see right through anyway). Rather, catch them doing something good/ fulfilling/ helpful/ worthwhile/ caring…
For example; Thank them for helping with a chore after their online learning time, Praise them for their effort at sitting down to do online work, Ask them to show you what they learned that day (and give your undivided attention if they do), Tell them you believe that they can get through this time, Reassure them that this will end and, Make your face light up when you see them enter the room.
Where Online Learning Comes In
Set up a Learning Space
Help your child set up a learning space which is separate from a chill or leisure space. i.e. At the corner of the dining table, in a study or at a desk.
Not on their beds or on the couch. This helps their minds to mentally prepare for and get into a learning zone for a period of time.
Help your Teen to Maintain a Routine
Routines help anchor us. They reduce stress by providing some predictability (something we all need currently) and give us a sense of control over our day.
We know that routine and connection are important for our young people‘s mental and social health at this time. Having to get up, dressed, connect with teachers, classmates, and yes, even do some routine schoolwork can be good for them. It can help minimise the daily blur.
Teachers also understand the importance of routine and accountability. My own children’s school, like many others, has scheduled an early morning online check in. Students need to log in to the school’s chosen online portal and send a thumbs up or comment that they are ready to start the day.
Teachers immediately become concerned about the students who regularly miss check-ins. The ones they feel might watch Netflix until 3am (as an attempt to drown out the Covid noise) and then sleep until lunchtime each day. Teachers worry about how to keep these kids engaged and connected.
During their ‘school’ week, help teens to stick to regular routines like; wake up times, morning rituals, scheduled breaks, meal times, leisure, exercise and bed times.
If your child’s school doesn’t send a suggested routine, set up a visual schedule with your child. Having them be part of creating their schedule helps young people take some ownership of their own day.
Things will move More Quickly than in a Regular School Day
Parents will be surprised at how fast things get done, compared to a regular school day. It is important that we don’t put pressure on our teens (or ourselves) to artificially create work to fill some sort of 6 hour ‘school’ day. The bulk of the day’s lessons might be done within 2-3 hours for some tweens and younger teens.
Former chair of NESA, Tom Alegounarias, reminds us that it isn’t appropriate to be in concentrated and engaged learning all day, while at home, because that isn’t actually what happens at school. Students don’t remain in a focused state for prolonged periods.
I know from my teaching time that a chunk of my lesson included getting Joe to take out his pen, reminding Sera to turn to page 6, giving Mel ‘the look’ to stop nudging Ben, or calling extroverted Liam back to his seat to do his writing – for the 6th time.
The school day also consists of line up times, year meetings, assemblies, break times and all sorts of other great socialising. All part of the stuff that makes up the social fabric of school life. That which is not part of an ‘at home’ or online learning day.
What is essential to cover?
Apart from our Year 12 students (another blog post entirely!) who need to remain engaged, parents keep asking what their children ‘should’ cover.
This is not easy for me to answer, because I know that every family and child will be different. While some students will happily engage in all of the tasks set by their teachers, others will find this really difficult.
For working parents or those with tweens and teens who need more supervision at home, stick to the basics. Take advantage of the mornings, when young people’s minds are fresher. (Unless of course you have a teen with sleep issues, then chat to the school and adjust their schedule as needed.)
The Basics – Literacy and Maths
I’m not going to spend a lot of space giving you links to online educational content. Your child’s school will provide what works best for them. Besides, there are so many blog posts and websites with fabulous recommendations already.
Try for some:
Reading: Schedule in 20 minutes of free reading time every day. There are some amazing authors who have recommended books for tweens and teens. (Side Note: Authors need all the support they can get at this time too!).
If you have a child who doesn’t enjoy reading, let them listen to audiobooks. This absolutely counts as literacy. (Audible recently announced their launch of Audible Stories. This is a new service, providing free audiobooks for small children and teens, for the duration of the COVID-19 pandemic.)
Writing: My son loves writing – so I will be approaching his teacher to ask if he can rather develop his own short book or story series, in place of writing topics set for him each week. Jo Ong, a teacher friend of mine, developed the Super Toilet Paper comic series, which I think some creative tweens and teens would enjoy. Jo’s own kids are writing Super TP adventures to contribute to their comic each day.
Maths: Get your teens to do at least some of the Maths exercises that their teacher sets. Alternatively, both Khan Academy and Eddie Woo’s Woo Tube provide great content during this time.
However, if it all feels overwhelming or as if there is too much content to get through, contact your child’s school. This is new territory for teachers too. They are also trying to figure out the what and how much. They really want to support your child.
Learning does not end in a worksheet
It has been said that children can develop their broader knowledge by watching historical movies, discussing ideas over dinner, or listening to and then talking about podcasts. My nephew’s High School set the students a Minecraft building exercise for History. How amazing is that?
Teach practical skills like building a fire, changing a light bulb, changing a tyre, getting kids to read a recipe and cook once a week.
But don’t force it – some things will happen organically.
In our case, we don’t make elaborate crafts, work on old cars or bake as a family (my daughter does the baking). We do what fits for us. As an example, my husband has been extending our deck for some time. My 12 year-old son has been fascinated and asked to use the power tools recently. He now drills the screws into the demarcated spots, on his own, a little bit every day. He is meticulous. And he loves it.
Don’t forget either, that delivering care packages to a neighbour’s doorstep teaches empathy and Emotional Intelligence.
Alternatively, ask your children what they are interested in and then encourage them to learn about that.
These all count.
Also Part of Mental Health
Plan some Fun
Down time and chill time need to also be part of your child’s daily routine. Getting some exercise and socialising are usually very much a part of a young person’s week.
As I mentioned in Part 1 – Housebound Families, “This is not the time to overly restrict screen-time.” (Although, I don’t mean all boundaries or age restrictions go out of the window). A large chunk of their screen time will be for socialising too. Gaming or social media are great sources of connection with friends that your teens are missing dearly.
My youngest doesn’t usually get game time during the week, in term time. But currently, he needs to connect with and chat with his friends after ‘school’. He doesn’t own a phone, so his Xbox (in the lounge room) is a wonderful way for him to do that right now.
Look after YOUR Mental Health
Be real with yourself about what’s actually happening. Perhaps journal or mentally list all the things you and your child accomplished in a week – no matter how small it seems to you – to remind yourself that they are learning. That you are doing a great job.
But, Some Days…
Some days I know that none of the above is going to go as planned. Maybe the best thing, some days, will be that our children simply feel safe and loved.
Some days, we will lay down the plates and hug and chill and go for walks. To just be together. The plates aren’t going anywhere. We will pick them up again tomorrow.
Our lives will never be the same after this. One thing I can promise you – your child will learn something new things during this time. This is life and we learn from all experiences in life!
You’ve got this parents!!
If you prefer to listen along, here is the link to my podcast on this topic. It is part of a 4 part series called, ‘The Mental Fitness podcast’. Available on Spotify, Apple podcasts and more.
Many around the world have been housebound for some time now. We’re not even sure when this way of living will come to an end. How might we navigate everyone being at home, in a confined space, for most of the day, for an unknown period of time… and still maintain mental fitness?
Listen to the podcast here, watch the video at the end, or read on below.
The Ever Twirling Plates in the Air
I realise that we will all face different challenges and joys in the dynamics of couples, housemates or parents and children living together so constantly. I am navigating this terrain too. My husband is at home, as are my children. I have a 19 year old doing uni, a 17 year old doing her Year 12 and a primary aged son.
I feel like I am constantly keeping plates in the air. Ever between daily household stuff, trying to find toilet paper, being a support to my older two, a teacher to my youngest, delivering live uni lectures via Zoom and consulting online as a psychologist. You will be twirling your own plates too. Some days can feel overwhelming.
“With coronavirus shutting off our normal escape valves, how do we release the lid and turn off the heat before our relationship has all but melted down?”
I would add, “How might we also contribute to each others’ mental fitness this week?“
Start with the Foundations and then Build what You need from there
1. Household Routine
Have your own agreed upon family or household routine (Wake up, sleep, rest, chill, exercise and meal times – see No 6). Try to keep these as stable as possible. Routines provide a sense of stability (in an unstable environment) and mental clarity.
And then… expect it to go pear shaped some days!
Adults, you don’t need to serve your children all day long. This is a time when everyone needs to pitch in. You might need to now set or adjust the chore schedule. If teens haven’t learned to cook yet, this is the perfect time for them to pick a day of the week to help with cooking (with you at first and then on their own).
2. Be Gracious with Space
As we are spending more time with one another, it is important to reasonably give family members as much space as they need.
If you can, establish boundaries for ‘my’ space and ‘our’ space
Having siblings spending too much time together is often a recipe for conflict. Especially when one child needs more downtime than the other/s. Assign, in fact schedule, separate times and family times if you need to.
As an introvert (like me) you may need to find a quiet place where you can gather your thoughts and sit in stillness for a time. Sitting in your car, alone, on the driveway, might be such a place.
Adults may even consider developing a signal, or sign on your door, which indicates to the family that you are having some alone time.
3. Keep Relationships Healthy
Expect difficult days and then move on. Try not to dwell on them. You are not a bad parent if people (including the adults) have days that are less than ideal. Difficult days are part of being human.
We’re in constant close quarters and things that irritate us about out partners or children are going to be much easier to spot. They will grate up on us like rough sandpaper.
It is vital therefore that we actively look for what family members are doing right. More often than what they’re doing wrong.
Healthy families ban criticism and work hard to keep meanness from their vocabulary. As adults we can try to model this and discourage our children from calling each other unkind names.
Saying “thank you”, more times than growling about what others aren’t doing, builds relationships. Even for something as simple as making a cup of tea or washing some plates. As parents we are modelling gratitude in this time.
Practice expressing what you do need, more often than what frustrates you.
Teach ‘I’ statements when expressing something family members are frustrated about, “I feel that I could really do with more support in…”
4. The Power of Stress Reducing Conversations
Julie Gottmann encourages couples to spend time in the evenings in stress reducing conversations. I advise this for families too. i.e. Just listening to the highs and lows of each person’s day. Not trying to solve anything, give advice or tell our teens what they should be grateful for. (Yes gratitude is important. But insisting that someone express gratitude when they need to express pain is not the right time).
Allow everyone to simply have a chance to vent and to feel heard.
5. The Screen-time question
“How much is too much?”
The answer – “It depends…”
Of course, if a child or adult is spending hours and hours in solitude, watching Netflix, they won’t be; connecting with others, stimulating their minds, moving their bodies or getting fresh air.
With younger children, teens and adults in one house, someone is likely to be Zooming, Skyping or House-partying at any given moment.
This is not the time to overly restrict screen-time. I don’t mean all boundaries go out of the window, because young people are more vulnerable than ever at this time.
“Higher use of the internet during the COVID-19 crisis has been accompanied by a 40 per cent spike in reports to eSafety across its reporting areas.” eSafety Commissioner
It is still vital for our tweens and younger teens to have:
their technology in public spaces, (i.e online schooling at the dining table and phones out of bedrooms).
us keep an eye on content being accessed (i.e.social media is for over 13s, any movies or games downloaded)
boundaries for bedtimes
screen-free down times
Yet, although our young people use devices to do school work, refine a skill and connect to exercise gurus (thanks P.E with Joe!). A big part of their screen time will be to socialise. They will need to continue to do this over the next few weeks. Gaming or social media are great sources of connection with friends they are missing dearly.
6. The Daily Essentials
To maintain Mental Fitness, make times in your day where you focus on a few rituals that communicate warmth, affection and safety. Rough and tumble play, touch or hugs are such a vital part of connection. There are both psychological and physiological benefits to healthy touch.
Find ways to touch family members and children that speak their love language. Particularly at this time, when young people have to maintain the physical distancing boundaries from friends who form such an important part of their lives.
Ensure teens and adults are getting some sunshine, drinking water, eating nutritious meals, exercising, reading books.
Have a few fun times planned – play a board game, eat a meal on the balcony, camp in the backyard, sleep in a blanket fort or light a fire and toast marshmallows in the middle of the week.
I keep saying this, but find some humour. Humour is such a healthy outlet for stress and it normalises anxieties shared by all of us.
Last thoughts
To finish where I started, Julie Gottman says, “We need each other more than ever — especially those we live with. Let’s cultivate a little more kindness between us.”
If you prefer to listen along, here is the link to my podcast on this topic. It is part of a 4 part series called, ‘The Mental Fitness podcast’. Available on Spotify, Apple podcasts and more.
Raising Teens is a place where you will find current psychological research on teens and tweens, in practical terms. It also has information and links to well-known experts, on adolescent development, so that you can get on with the job that you do best. That is – supporting, connecting with and loving your teen.
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About the Author
My name is Collett Smart. I am a psychologist, qualified teacher, speaker, podcaster and internationally published author, with more than 25 years experience working in private and public schools, as well as in private practice. I am married and have 3 children aged aged 22, 20 and 14 years-old.
Welcome to Raising Teens!
My name is Collett Smart. I am a psychologist, qualified teacher, speaker, podcaster and internationally published author, with more than 25 years experience working in private and public schools, as well as in private practice. I am married and have 3 children aged aged 22, 20 and 14 years-old.
Welcome to Raising Teens!